My Father is DyingMy father is dying. He has been dying on and off now for at least the last twelve years. Two weeks ago however, my mother finally put him in a nursing home. So, he must be really, really be dying this time.
The truth is I never really liked my father. As a kid, I took on my mother’s anger towards him. She would tell me all these awful things about him. She would tell me how pathetic he was and how pathetic all the men in her life had been. Then, when I got angry at my father for being pathetic my mother would become angry at me. “Why don’t you love your father, he is such a good man.” I learned several years ago that she was worried that was a lesbian because, I did not like my father and therefore did not like men. You just can’t win in my family.
So here it is years later and I understand what my mother did. I understand that what she did was wrong. I understand that her relationship with my Dad is not my relationship with him. And you know what, dying or not, I still do not like my father.
¶ 7/25/2007 10:40:00 AM24 commentslinks to this post
Sunday, July 22, 2007
On Friday Sam was finally diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder or A.D.D. She said he was borderline on also having hyperactivity. As some of you know, I have been worried about Sam for a while. So hopefully this diagnose will help provide the solution I have been looking for.
His doctor put him on a medication called Concerta. Concerta is essentially time released Ritalin. It is amazing the effect it had on him! About a half hour after I gave him his first dose he started cleaning his room. I kid you not! Then he spent an hour and a half drawing charters for a comic book that he created.
Yesterday, the camp bus pulled out of the church parking lot at 10:50 a.m. with Sam and 59 other campers on board. After they left, the first thing I did was drive to a noon meeting. It was a good meeting and I really needed to be there.
What an odd sensation not having Sam here. I did not realize how much he is on my mind in any given day. When I went to pick up movies after the meeting, I had to stop myself from picking up movies for him. And right now I keep thinking I need to fix breakfast for him. Only taking care of me feels to weird.
¶ 7/10/2007 05:11:00 AM8 commentslinks to this post
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Thank you for all your comments on my last post, it really helped. Thanks for the prayer too, I can feel it.
In a little more than nine hours, my eight year old son Sam leaves for summer camp. I am feeling this odd mixture of emotion that I cannot quite describe. No, its more a roller coaster of emotion.
He has really, really been wearing me out this summer. He is so smart and he has so much energy that there is no way that I can even begin to keep up with him. In fact with Sam it looks like it is more than just having a lot of energy. It looks like Sam has some form of Attention Deficit Disorder. We are in the process of working with his doctor now. My husband, who also has ADD, has suspected Sam has it for a long time. I never however, never thought he did.
To add to the roller coaster have all been sick this week with a 24 stomach virus. Sam was the last and in fact is just getting over his virus. If he makes it to 3:00 am that will be 24 hours without running for the bathroom. Just in time to go to camp.
I am worried about my husband. He has been sober a couple of months longer than I have been. We had our second date on my two year sobriety birthday.
About two years ago he stopped going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. His reason for not going to meetings is that when we left Minneapolis four years ago he had to leave his home group, a Monday night men's group. Evidently that men's group is the be all and end all of meetings everywhere. Not only are there no meetings that live up to that meeting but, according to Chuck, there are no good A.A. meetings anywhere in Connecticut. That's right anywhere in the entire state of Connecticut. He actually said this to a friend of mine who then suggested that he try Western Mass.
At first I really did not care if he was going to meetings or not. I figured it is his recovery and he can do what he wants. But, I just cannot stand him right now. He is just so damn crabby and God is not doing what he wants fast enough.
Now, I am not prefect and I do not work a perfect program. There have been several times when I have gotten away from going to meetings. Then my ass catches fire one way or another and I find myself back in the rooms. Anyhow, who am I to tell him what to do.
4th of July
I spent the Fourth of July with stomach flu. Yippee! Instead of going to the picnic, I spent the day studying condition of the grout on my bathroom floor. And yesterday was a total washout as well. Oh well, life on life's terms right? Today I am greatful for:
Wow, the summer has really gotten away from me. Things are still going well. Our money situation is still slowly working itself out. A little too slowly at times but, it is all good.
One of my sponsees is getting high and another is about to celebrate a year clean and sober. And the nice thing about all of that is I am not God and I am not responsible for their recoveries. I just get to witness the miracles.
Last week Sam had Vacation Bible School and next week he is of to sleep over camp. It is Sam's first time away at camp. In fact it will be the first time he has been away from both of us for more than one night. So far I am fine but, ask me again next week.