Angry at God
I realized when I was praying yesterday that, for the first time in a long time, I am angry with God.
When I first came into the rooms I was angry. I was angry at many people, places and things but, most of all I was angry at God. Although I did not totally believe in God, I was afraid to be angry at God. I recognized that little ole Trudge against the Supreme Being of the universe was not exactly an even fight. You know, Trudge 0, God infinity.
My sponsor told me that if God was big enough to run the world he, she or it was big enough to handle all my emotions including my anger. When allowed my self to be angry with God, I was able to work through it. Work through it that is, with the help of The Program, a sponsor and a therapist who was also in the program. I was then and only then able I turn my life over to him in Step Three.
I have been working the Third Step for many years now but, here I am again, angry at God. Again I feel like I should not be angry at God. But, I cannot help it right now, I just am.
¶ 5/31/2006 07:57:00 AM15 comments
God and Caffeine Withdrawl
The power of God runs deep.
Like many of us alcoholics my addiction took me to various institutions. At one point, I was in a halfway house and I said some things that I probably should not have. I said something like, “I am going to kill myself, bitch”
Anyway before I knew it, two young social workers came to give me a psych evaluation. I end up in the psych ward (or as I like to call it, the stress and depression unit) of Hennepin County Hospital in Minneapolis. It was freaky there. I cannot even really begin to articulate what it was like.
Anyhow, I had been there for 24 hours and I had just a horrible caffeine withdrawal headache. All the coffee was decaf and I could not get of the ward to get a soda or anything. I would have killed for a coke at that point.I started to pray. I don’t even remember what I prayed about. A little while later the diner trays come and this young guy turns and asked me, “Would you like a coke.” It had come up on his dinner tray by mistake.
The New Ark What do you think of this prototype for my new ark? It is nice and roomy and in a pinch, I can land my new Black Hawk Helicoptor on the roof. I might as well since I convinced myself that it is never going to stop raining in Connecticut.
O.K. I feel a little bad complaing about the rain here when a State of Emergeny has been declared for J.J., the rest of Mass and two other New England States.
It seems to me like it has been raining for ever. Everything is damp and my allergies are driving me crazy. I know that the rain is life on life's terms but, Geez I am sick of it. I am ready to build an ark.
¶ 5/15/2006 04:53:00 AM10 comments
Overheard at Meetings
Last night I went to a meeting with my friend Mary Jo. It was a different meeting than I usually attend. She has been on me about going to different meetings. The topic was thingswe heard in the first few weeks or months that kept us coming back. One guy told about his sponsor who used to put his arm around his shoulder and ask, "have you had enough yet asshole." It is sort of a poor man first step.
For me it did not matter how many, "keep coming back" or "it works if you work it" I got nothing worked until I finally had had enough. Today I am grateful that I still have had enough.
¶ 5/11/2006 01:03:00 AM11 comments
Black Hawk Down but Not Out What do you think should I update "my ride" or rather "my flight" to this really cool Black Hawk helicopter
¶ 5/08/2006 06:36:00 PM14 comments
I am still alive and still avoiding stuff. I did however, call my doctor about my meds. Just, one small step.
¶ 5/08/2006 03:54:00 PM1 comments
Friday, May 05, 2006
There are three things that I need to do that I have been putting off doing for the past several months.
First, I need to read my Gmail. I have not read my Gmail since that night that I freaked out and asked for everyone phone number. So if you sent me your phone number I am sorry that I have not responded, I am still avoiding reading your E-mail.
Prayers for Nancy
My mother in law Nancy is in the process driving home from Tucson to Connecticut. Last night she was in Oklahoma. This is the first time she has done this drive alone since she lost Vince last December. So if you could send one up for her, I would appreciate it.
¶ 5/01/2006 06:13:00 AM9 comments