I Am Depressed
I am depressed. There I said it. I finally realized it last night. I realized years ago that like Bill W., I am of "the depressant type." I had to stop taking my anti-depressants a few months ago because we lost our insurance coverage. The medication costs something like $225 on the open market. I think lack of medication and some other issues have brought another bought on. These other issues are outside of my control but of course I am trying to control them.
So when I finally realized what was going on I called a friend in the program and told on myself. Then I dug through my closet and found what was left of my last prescription and a sample bottle I had. Between the left over prescription and samples I came up with about 2 weeks worth of pills. The insurance kicks in tomorrow and so I will put a call into my doctor then.
My faith in God really waivers at times like this. I have a hard time seeing the miracles. No that's not really it, I can still see the miracles I just don't feel them. Its kind of opposite of having a dentist drill your teeth after a shot. You know the pain is there you just don't feel it.
¶ 7/31/2005 05:28:00 AM12 commentslinks to this post
Carol's Family part 2
So anyway Carol’s family… You taught me in the rooms what to do when I am feeling terribly self-conscious like I was with Carol’s family. I am supposed to forget myself by serving others. F*** that, I thought on Sunday, I was not having any of it. So there I was a fish or should I say a Protestant out of water in a room full of Colombo’s. In this room the hugs and kisses flow like the wine and the medaling. And then there was the food, oh my God the food. There is always so much food I stopped asking to bring anything years ago. Taking food to the Colombo’s is like taking water to the ocean. With all the food I did what any unrepentant self absorbed asshole would do, I ate. I ate and I ate and I ate and then it was time for the entrée. I did manage to ask Aunt Me (short for Marie) how her health was in between bites. Mostly however, I ate.
¶ 7/25/2005 08:05:00 AM3 commentslinks to this post
My husband, son and I spent our Sunday with our sister-in-law and her family. I always feel like such a fish out of water with them. That is my husband's oldest brother's wife. Ed is the "normal" one in my husband's family. The non-alcoholic brother married the near saintly Carol and her intensely close-knit Italian family. Carol is one of those people you would love to hate but you just can't because she is so damn nice. Her whole family is so damn nice. When they see you they hug and kiss your like they really mean it because they do really mean it.
My husband's family is descended from disgruntled Puritans who came to New England in 1600 something or other. Me, I come from a long line of non-demonstrative and slightly self-loathing prairie Lutherans. Although my family was clubbing each other in what is now Germany while my husband's family was, oh I don't know burning witches here in the United States, my temperament fit perfectly with them. We don't hug, we don't kiss and we don't feel a lot. That is we didn't until we all and I do mean all ended up in the rooms. Now we can feel as much as we want as long as we are in a room where the promises are on the wall and the coffee is in the cup.
"I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed. Out of the hard and unusual struggle through which he is compelled to pass, he gets a strength, a confidence, that one misses whose pathway is comparatively smooth..." Booker T. Washington
The Asshole Within
I have noticed something about me. When I am doing well, I do not worry about George W. Bush or all the silliness in D.C. When I am struggling with any part of my three part illness (spiritual, emotional or physical) I worry a lot about those Washington assholes.
The last few days have brought worry about my son and worry about my career. The issue with Sam is too long to explain but, suffice it to say I made a few calls and people fell over themselves helping. Seek and ye shall find. The whole issue was resolved in less than 24 hours and now everyone is happy again.
My career is taking longer. Last week I went on an interview for a job that seemed to be tailor made for me. The 45 minute interview lasted 2 hours and 15 minutes and they implored me to call at the beginning of this week to see where they were at. Monday morning I left a message on head guy’s voice mail, nothing. I followed up with an E-mail and nothing again. This morning I left a friendly message on the assistants answering machine and so far nothing. I know there will always be assholes and silliness in Washington. Likewise, I know I will always have to fight my own tendency to be an asshole. Finally, I know God’s got a plan but, I wish to hell he would fax me over a copy.
¶ 7/20/2005 02:17:00 PM1 commentslinks to this post
How Do We Stop This Crazy War?
A.A. has no opinion on outside issues but, I do. I read a ton(and I do mean a ton) of Blogs and I don't hear anyone calling for the resolution to the war. You know the war, American kids most of us don't know going to fight and kill Iraqis none of us know. Come on people, where have all the liberals gone? Are they all just hiding out on college campuses until our collective nightmare is over. I am not even that liberal and I feel so angry. No offense to my friends from TX but, I can't even look at Bush without feeling angry. Although the idiot was born in CT so we do shoulder some of the blame. I don't even know what to say except, ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
¶ 7/20/2005 05:48:00 AM2 commentslinks to this post
My son had a really close call last night. He chased a ball into the street without watching for cars and he almost got hit by a car. He is six and usually very good about watching for cars. We live on a dead end street with hardly any traffic. So I don’t think anything about turning my back or even ducking back inside for a few minutes when he is playing outside. My downstairs neighbor saw the whole thing but I did not.
At first I was busy being thankful that he was fine and busy being reinforcing the message not to run into the street. I was also busy feeling guilty that I did not have my eyes on him at that moment. Then several hours later, after he was safely tucked in bed I started to get scared. Scared about what could have happened. Then I realized that God must have had a hand in all of that.
I thought of all the times that I could have died. In childhood I had a number of close calls with cars usually while riding my bike. I played with fire literally. I burned a hole in my parents’ rug while toasting marshmallows in the living room. Then there was my addiction. The reckless things I did while drunk or stoned. God pulled my ass out of the fire more times than I can even remember. I don’t question why Sam was saved because it is too scary but I have to question why I was. I mean, why me? Why did I get the gift of the A.A. program when others around me died? I don’t know why but I know my life today is a gift from God.
¶ 7/15/2005 04:21:00 AM1 commentslinks to this post
Thursday, July 14, 2005
You Are an Espresso
At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic
At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung
You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping
The Bondage of SelfRelieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Page 63 The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I was a prisoner of "the bondage of self" long before I ever picked up drink. I lived my whole life as if I was the very center of the universe. What a painful and empty way to live. Then I came to the program where, you have to serve others in order to ultimately serve yourself. What a brilliant plan, if I selfishly want to survive I have to unselfishly serve others. Only when I did begin serve God and my fellows the chains of the bondage of self began to break.
¶ 7/13/2005 04:00:00 AM3 commentslinks to this post
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Learning to go to God first
Summer reading program
A good job interview
Kathy and her family
Walks to the library
Reading this list I realize, that my worst fear of my younger years has come to pass. I am a complete unrepentant geek. You know, I am alright with that today.
Easy Does It
I think today is going to have to be a slogan day. I am not fond of slogans, I am really not but, its just one of those days. Other people are really bugging me right now. Well one other person is bugging me. He is 48 inches tall and at last count 54 pounds. That is 54 pounds of scrapes, bruises and utter annoyance. My utter annoyance that is. I love my utter annoyance in other words my son more than I can even ever tell you but right now I want to lock him out of the house for the next 12 years.
It doesn't help that I really need time to my self right now that I am not getting. It doesn't help that I am worried about a couple of things totally outside of my control right now. It doen't help that I have not slept the best lately or that I been up five hours and I am still without caffine.
The annual A.A. family retreat that my "A.A. club"(oxymoronon) is sponsoring is coming up. Last evening I left my home, my family and Tarzan II on DVD, to travel the arduous 5 minutes to attend the retreat planning meeting. I am not sure how it happened but, I ended up being elected or appointed or railroaded (yes that is it) into become Children's Activities Co-chair. It must have been the 28 seconds I was gone to get a cup of coffee.
Its o.k. it has been a long time since I did any large scale service. Uggh kids! Kids are like cats I like the one I have but as a group I am not so sure. Anyhow it should be interesting. Hmmmmm it sounds like an opportunity for growth or what we used to call a F.O.G.
¶ 7/09/2005 05:51:00 AM2 commentslinks to this post
Friday, July 08, 2005
Powerless Blogging part II
Once again I am obsessing about my Blogs. Not this one really but the two commercial ones I have. I had more hits today on one of my Blogs than I have EVER had. Two to three times the hits of an average day. Was I happy? No it was More, More, More said the Baby(this is a picture book in case you don't have children under 10).
My thoughts and prayers are with England and her people today. What a confusing mess. I am a little embarrassed but my first thought was "thank God it wasn't us (America) again." Selfish bastard that I am. The world is too small to feel that way for long. Its not like WWII when America was out of the reach of German bombers.
How weird this attack coming on the heals of the Olympic annoucement. Joy quickly followed by grief.
"Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity." Tradition One
It has been years since I have been in a traditions meeting. We do not even have traditions meeting where I live now. Yet, we all depend on the traditions to keep our fellowship alive and healthy. Today I am grateful for the traditions.
¶ 7/06/2005 07:17:00 AM3 commentslinks to this post
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." Step Eight
I was told that the eight step was a simple step, not an easy step but a simple step. I wanted to complicate it by moving ahead in my thought to and through step nine. Finally someone told me that if I needed to pretend there was no step nine to get thorough step eight that was alright as long as I did not short change step eight. So pretend I did.
¶ 7/05/2005 03:49:00 AM0 commentslinks to this post
Third Step Prayer
"God I offer myself to Thee-To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy Love and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!" Big Book page 63
I memorized the Third Step Pray a long time ago. I realized this morning however, that over time, the sentence dealing with the Bondage of Self had somehow disappeared in my memory. The Bondage of Self is almost always the root of any problem I may be having.
¶ 7/01/2005 04:10:00 AM1 commentslinks to this post
Outright Mental Defective is an ongoing conversation about living sober one day at a time.