Today I am thankful for rain. Not just any rain but, the rain that is falling outside my window right now. The yard needs it. The garden needs it. I need it. I need a rainy day to clear my head and cleanse my soul. We all need the break from the heat that the rain will bring.
My husband's step father, who has many, many years in The Program is dying of cancer. It was at least 90 degrees when we went to see him on Sunday. He was fully dressed and covered by a blanket. So he probably does not need the rain, at least not to cool off.
I realize that I have been talking about things I hate a lot lately but, here it goes. I hate looking for a job! I feel like such a Fricking Moron. Two years ago we moved across the country and I have been looking for a job “in my field” every since then. Now, don’t misunderstand me I have worked. I have done part-time stuff, I have freelanced and I have worked in an allied profession but I have not had a career type fulltime job in a long time. It scares me it really does.
So I get all bent out of shape and then I remember God is in charge. I remember that I am powerless of Jr. H.R. wonks and my life has become unnamable. I remember that God has a plan and I just try to do the next right thing.
¶ 6/27/2005 11:48:00 AM0 commentslinks to this post
Middle Age Stinks
You know, middle age stinks sometimes! This is especially ture when in your heart you feel about 23. Yesterday, I was handing out the soberiety medallions at a meeting and suddenly I realized I had to hold my army out about 75 feet to read the numbers on the chips. Afterwords my friend said,"you know I had to get bifocals at 42." Thanks alot!
¶ 6/25/2005 06:41:00 AM4 commentslinks to this post
Yesterday, I showed up at the Thursday, "As Bill Sees It," meeting. The subject happened to be anonymity and it reminded me how long its been since I sat in a traditions meeting. In fact there are not any traditions meetings, that I know of, in the area I live.
How are newcomers going to learn the traditions if we don't talk about them in meetings? The answer of course is their sponsor but again many of the meeting I attend don't stress that either. So what am I doing about it? So far nothing, I will keep you posted.
¶ 6/24/2005 08:35:00 AM1 commentslinks to this post
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Where Do The 12 Steps Come From
A big thank you to our friend Higher Powered who has republished Bill's 1953 Grapevine article on the subject. Here is my favorite excerpt: Finally, one day, Dr. Silkworth took me back down to my right size. Said he, "Bill, why don't you quit talking so much about that bright light experience of yours, it sounds too crazy.
What a Difference a Day Makes
Thanks to everyone who commented on yesterday's post. I did talk about it at a meeting and I feel much better. As Higher Powered suggested, I did find several people who offered there own Experience Strength and Hope. I have prayed about the debt a million times but I never thought I should apply the 12 steps to it. The crux of the issue seems to be my ego and my pride. Whenever I would start down the 12 step road I would say to myself, "I am innocent,I deserve to go to graduate school as much as the next guy." This would quickly be followed by"I am as smart as the next guy, I should have the same chances"
The truth is a lot of the reason I went to graduate school was to prove I was smart to the world. I have a learning disability and as a kid hated having to go to special ed or as my peers called it "retard school." I hated being patronized by adults who gave me beauty school brochures when everyone else got college catalogs. O.K. I am exaggerating a little with that last statement, but you get the idea.
I Am Stressed Out
I have a lot of stress going on in my life and I am not talking about it. I am too busy listening to other people's problems and do not want to let theses same people know I have problems of my own. Especially not financial problems. I been out of full time work for almost two and a half years. The only work I have found in this time is as a part time substitute teacher. Now I am getting sued on a student loan I defaulted on. I am full of fear. No wonder I have not been able to write much lately.
¶ 6/21/2005 04:42:00 AM6 commentslinks to this post
I sometimes flirt with the trap of giving a sponsee advice on things other than the A.A. program. I really want to help and I am kind of a big mouth so naturally I gravitate towards being overly helpful. I know better but, sometimes I have to bite my tounge to keep from running off at the mouth. God help me.
¶ 6/20/2005 08:28:00 AM1 commentslinks to this post
Fellow Bloggers, I recived this comment to my Thurdsday June 16, Powerless Blogging post. I would apperciate your help in answering his or her request.
"Please talk about this more. For me, this is serious. I lose time, relationships, work...because of blogging. Checking my email is like taking that first drink. I could really use a support group. I am serious. I've been trying to solve this alone, and it remains devastating. Please help."
¶ 6/18/2005 07:19:00 AM5 commentslinks to this post
I am insane. As far as drinking and drugging are concerned I was restored to sanity a long time ago. I have been sober since April 5 1990. God took that desire away after I did my third step. I am amazed however; the ways insanity creeps back into my life if I am not diligent about my program.
So here is my admission, are you ready. I AM POWERLESS OVER BLOGGING AND MY LIFE HAS BECOME UNMANAGEABLE. Or maybe it's that I am powerless over Blog Explosion. Anyway, I have a couple of commercial sites and checking the hit counters on those two sites. I have been known to check their hit counters in the middle of the night and obsess about ways to drive traffic to them. I really just started to Blog because I did not really have an outlet for my writing. Now its like it a job. I am insane.
¶ 6/16/2005 05:17:00 AM8 commentslinks to this post
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. Step Six
Joan Kennedy, the former wife of U.S. Senator Edward M. Kennedy, and her three children were scheduled to appear in a Mass courtroom Monday, but son U.S. Representative Patrick Kennedy's spokeswoman, Robin Costello, told The Associated Press that the hearing had been canceled following a settlement.
Alcoholism was a lonely business even though we were surrounded by people who loved us. Twelve and Twelve page 116.
The details of our drinking careers vary. Some of us started drinking in middle school others not until their thirties. Some met their bottoms literally on the streets others met theirs behind the fortified doors of middle class suburbia. One of the things we all seem to share however, is a profound sense of loneliness even if we were the boisterous center of a noisy crowd. Try mentioning loneliness at the next 12 step meeting you go to and see the reaction you get.
¶ 6/11/2005 07:29:00 AM4 commentslinks to this post
Term Papers for Sale
Many of us were shortsighted enough to attend college before the advent of the internet. In other words, “damn I forgot to be born later.” If we were in college today however, we could buy a term paper on the Creation and Early History of A.A. for the low, low price of $80(and your integrity). So much for honesty or life on life’s terms.
Have You Prayed About It?
'Have you prayed about it,' that is what my friend Charlie always asks me. He asks me that when ever I am talking a lot about some concern that I have. Although I pray everyday, if I am confused about some issue the answer is usually NO, I have not prayed about that issue. So get lost Charlie (I usually say something a little different but you get the idea.)
If I have prayed about the issue he goes one step further, "are you listening to what God is telling you?" That a hard one for me. I grew up believing that doing something like listening to God was absolutely crazy. I mean we believed in God, we said our prayers, we went to church but God was not talking to anyone anymore. He may have talked to Moses but, not to us. Of course we were all crazy and many of us were drunk but, that besides the issue.
I know Charlie’s is right. Today I know God talks to me. He nudges me gently; patiently points the direction he wants me to go. I know if I am willing to let the noise in my head die down, I will hear him. Get lost anyway Charlie.
¶ 6/04/2005 05:16:00 AM2 commentslinks to this post
When I first came in "the rooms" I thought humility and humiliation were synonyms. When counselors and sponsors told me I had to get humility or drink, I thought they meant I had to be humiliated. I already felt humiliated. I didn't want humility or humilation but, I did not want to get drunk either. Finally, after lots of work and the Grace of my Higher Power, I got the difference.
More on the Cult of AA
Jim, better known as Bitter Waiter, posted this yesterday in response to my May 21 question "Is AA a Cult?" Its well written and he makes some very valid points. I thought you would all like to read it.
AA is interpreted as a cult because of the religious content, the claim that it is "the only way" and that ex-drinkers who are not members are dry-drunks, which is an oxymoron!It is about the only game in town having permeated society with it's ideas and messages, and much of it's "success" can be attributed to the fact that the addiction treatment industry is huge and folks "keep coming back"! Mostly AA has abysmal abstinece rates, I think because the forces that be push people into the program via courts and prisons. That and many know of no other alternative! I bet AA would go back to it's high sucess rate if the cohersion stopped and people has options.To people who seek it out and know the other options, willingly decide its for tham and are happy- that's super cool. Better than using, for sure.
¶ 6/01/2005 06:26:00 AM3 commentslinks to this post
Outright Mental Defective is an ongoing conversation about living sober one day at a time.