Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Thank you everyone for your kind comments on Friday’s post. I really appreciate each and every one of them.
I never liked my father (click here to read the original post). Now he is dead and I feel awful that I did not like him more. I should have liked him more. Maybe I could have liked him more if I had tried harder.
I do not like my father for two reasons. First, a lot of my dislike of my father stems from me being my mother’s confidant growing up. As her sounding board, I took on much of my mother’s anger toward my father so that she did not have to. Then she could gush about how wonderful he was and what a great marriage they had.
Second, my father never seemed to like me. My mother said that he liked me, that he loved me and that I was his princess but, he often acted like he could not stand me. When I would get angry at the way he treated me my mother would say that it was because of his low self esteem and I needed to be more understanding.
I guess that everyone else liked my father. According to her she has been inundated by calls and letters from people who liked him. People who had nothing but, fond memories of him. I wish one of them was me. ¶ 9/04/2007 03:21:00 AM
I never liked my father (click here to read the original post). Now he is dead and I feel awful that I did not like him more. I should have liked him more. Maybe I could have liked him more if I had tried harder.
I do not like my father for two reasons. First, a lot of my dislike of my father stems from me being my mother’s confidant growing up. As her sounding board, I took on much of my mother’s anger toward my father so that she did not have to. Then she could gush about how wonderful he was and what a great marriage they had.
Second, my father never seemed to like me. My mother said that he liked me, that he loved me and that I was his princess but, he often acted like he could not stand me. When I would get angry at the way he treated me my mother would say that it was because of his low self esteem and I needed to be more understanding.
I guess that everyone else liked my father. According to her she has been inundated by calls and letters from people who liked him. People who had nothing but, fond memories of him. I wish one of them was me. ¶ 9/04/2007 03:21:00 AM
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I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain you are feeling as you deal with your conflicted emotions over your relationship with him. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel better or inspired. I hope you are feeling OK.
To thine own self be true. Even in grief, it is the easier softer way. Keep on.
Hows Sam getting on ?
Hows Sam getting on ?
My father had a lot of issues, buttoned up his emotions and I often thought that he didn't love me. He did though. I have learned to forgive him and realize that he was doing the best that he knew how to--without a 12 step program.
God Bless You Trudge. I know that Sam will never have to go through feelings like this and that is a great blessing to the world.
Your honesty and self-insight are marvelous, Trudge. I can imagine how painful it is to hold so many cross-cutting feelings in your heart at the same time.
The depth of your love comes through clearly, even as you express the darker aspects of it.
I lost my dad 13 years ago. My mom wrote me today that it's a good thing he's dead, because the Michigan-Appalachian State game would have killed him.
The depth of your love comes through clearly, even as you express the darker aspects of it.
I lost my dad 13 years ago. My mom wrote me today that it's a good thing he's dead, because the Michigan-Appalachian State game would have killed him.
There is no law that states we have to like or even love a parent. The relationship was what it was. Those of us that believe in reincarnation know it was not the first time nor will it be the last time we have a relationship with a departed one. If it bothers you there is work you can do, if you are okay with it then that is the deal. Either way, thanks for sharing and being so open.
It is what it is.
As is so often the case, I really agree with the stuff that guy above me just typed.
As is so often the case, I really agree with the stuff that guy above me just typed.
People are complicated. Sometimes I'm surprised how good they are, it seems our nature is to be so selfish. What you are going through sounds quite natural, and it will be painful. I was drunk when I lost my father and it took me years to come out of denial. Finally realized it was true when I wanted to telephone him.
I think we all meet in heaven and find there's really not much to sort out.
Please accept my condolences.
I think we all meet in heaven and find there's really not much to sort out.
Please accept my condolences.
THE12 STEPS DOWN TO HELL
I imagine 12 Step recovery programs are a slow slide into the jaws of Satan. I was involved with this evil “satanic cult” [AA] for over 30 years but was saved through the power of Jesus Christ. He directed me to a therapist who was into “real” recovery, not the mind destroying, soul destroying, cult, which is AA. I have met two Steppers recently & I imagine they are completely devoid of any emotion or insight. I feel pain because both these men are decent human beings but AA has destroyed their BRAIN STRUCTURE & they have no idea how to relate apart from expounding AA propaganda. I imagine HELL to be a continuous flow of AA meetings without any light at the end of the tunnel because one never recovers'. I beg you people who are in 12 Step programs, to get out before it is too late. How does one recover when one is handing one’s power over to AA (SATAN). The 12 Steps were written out of Wilson’s head, he certainly didn’t get his guidance from the Bible. I imagine he was an agent of Satan & he & Smith’s “cult religion” has filled millions of Steppers with their anti - Christ propaganda.
Step Three of AA is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." While many in the Oxford Group placed their faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, there was much leeway given. Shoemaker, a leader of the Oxford Group, says, "The true meaning of faith is self-surrender to God." He further explains: Surrender to whatever you know about Him, or believe must be the truth about Him. Surrender to Him, if necessary, in total ignorance of Him. Far more important that you touch Him than that you understand Him at first. Put yourself in His hands. Whatever He is, as William James said, He is more ideal than we are. Make the leap. Give yourself to Him. Aside from capitalizing the "H," which Christians do to refer to the God of the Bible, "Him" could refer to any god of one’s own making [BEDPAN]. Can you see what is happening to you, STEPPER? Ask Jesus to take control of your lives, read the Bible & instead of 12 Step groups, go to Church. Burn your BIG BOOK or use it as TOILET PAPER. Can you see the difference: With The 12 Steps, you never recover but with John 3:16 you are guaranteed Eternal Salvation. The “ball is in your court”, STEPPER? Are you in HELL, STEPPER?
Peace Be With You
Micky
I imagine 12 Step recovery programs are a slow slide into the jaws of Satan. I was involved with this evil “satanic cult” [AA] for over 30 years but was saved through the power of Jesus Christ. He directed me to a therapist who was into “real” recovery, not the mind destroying, soul destroying, cult, which is AA. I have met two Steppers recently & I imagine they are completely devoid of any emotion or insight. I feel pain because both these men are decent human beings but AA has destroyed their BRAIN STRUCTURE & they have no idea how to relate apart from expounding AA propaganda. I imagine HELL to be a continuous flow of AA meetings without any light at the end of the tunnel because one never recovers'. I beg you people who are in 12 Step programs, to get out before it is too late. How does one recover when one is handing one’s power over to AA (SATAN). The 12 Steps were written out of Wilson’s head, he certainly didn’t get his guidance from the Bible. I imagine he was an agent of Satan & he & Smith’s “cult religion” has filled millions of Steppers with their anti - Christ propaganda.
Step Three of AA is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." While many in the Oxford Group placed their faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour, there was much leeway given. Shoemaker, a leader of the Oxford Group, says, "The true meaning of faith is self-surrender to God." He further explains: Surrender to whatever you know about Him, or believe must be the truth about Him. Surrender to Him, if necessary, in total ignorance of Him. Far more important that you touch Him than that you understand Him at first. Put yourself in His hands. Whatever He is, as William James said, He is more ideal than we are. Make the leap. Give yourself to Him. Aside from capitalizing the "H," which Christians do to refer to the God of the Bible, "Him" could refer to any god of one’s own making [BEDPAN]. Can you see what is happening to you, STEPPER? Ask Jesus to take control of your lives, read the Bible & instead of 12 Step groups, go to Church. Burn your BIG BOOK or use it as TOILET PAPER. Can you see the difference: With The 12 Steps, you never recover but with John 3:16 you are guaranteed Eternal Salvation. The “ball is in your court”, STEPPER? Are you in HELL, STEPPER?
Peace Be With You
Micky
Hey Trudging, just catching up and so sorry for your loss.
After my mom died 20 years ago I was so angry at her (and God) - it helped when someone told me not to be ashamed of the feelings that I was feeling - and to just let them be what they were.
In regard to being your mom's confident - I was too. One of my therapists along the way called it "emotional incest" - it's a horrible term, but sure gave me some perspective on how damaging it was to me. He explained that it was treating a child emotionally like an adult and using them for an outlet of information they were never meant to carry.
You're in my prayers.
After my mom died 20 years ago I was so angry at her (and God) - it helped when someone told me not to be ashamed of the feelings that I was feeling - and to just let them be what they were.
In regard to being your mom's confident - I was too. One of my therapists along the way called it "emotional incest" - it's a horrible term, but sure gave me some perspective on how damaging it was to me. He explained that it was treating a child emotionally like an adult and using them for an outlet of information they were never meant to carry.
You're in my prayers.
Trudge I am so sorry about your father. I often wonder what I will feel when my father goes. I have such mixed up stuff with him. I do love him and tell him when I see him. Problem is I only feel emotionally safe to see him on my terms. At my home.
I know you will be OK. My sponsor has been telling me lately (about some personal things) no matter what happens you will have the resources to deal with it. I have complete faith you too have those resources to get through this.
Luv and a big ol cyber hug,
Gwen~
I know you will be OK. My sponsor has been telling me lately (about some personal things) no matter what happens you will have the resources to deal with it. I have complete faith you too have those resources to get through this.
Luv and a big ol cyber hug,
Gwen~
As usual, I'm a bit late but... I can definitely relate.
It took me almost two years after his death to mourn my father. I had sworn for years that I wouldn't cry when he died. And I didn't.
If your father had been anything like my father, please remember he did what he could with what he had which might not have been much.
I've since realized my father lived his life exactly like I lived mine - with a father who was an angry, abusive drunk. My father had as much chance as I did - none.
You'll be okay. Keep at it with newcomers, seek those with similar experiences and share how you've made it through without drinking. You'll "intuitively know."
Our rewards (and our fathers) will be in a much better place than this - the God I understand forgives us all.
Love,
Mark
It took me almost two years after his death to mourn my father. I had sworn for years that I wouldn't cry when he died. And I didn't.
If your father had been anything like my father, please remember he did what he could with what he had which might not have been much.
I've since realized my father lived his life exactly like I lived mine - with a father who was an angry, abusive drunk. My father had as much chance as I did - none.
You'll be okay. Keep at it with newcomers, seek those with similar experiences and share how you've made it through without drinking. You'll "intuitively know."
Our rewards (and our fathers) will be in a much better place than this - the God I understand forgives us all.
Love,
Mark
# posted by 
: 8:39 PM
: 8:39 PM
Hello, long time no read...so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are doing well, no matter what you are feeling. Where ever you are at right now is okay. Thanks for the comments!
I'm sorry to hear about your father and the inner turmoil you're experiencing ... There is peace for you, and I hope you feel it soon ...
Sorry I am late, Trudge.....
I am sorry for your loss and sorry that you are conflicted during this time. It doesn't make the grief any easier.
Peace to you,
Scout
I am sorry for your loss and sorry that you are conflicted during this time. It doesn't make the grief any easier.
Peace to you,
Scout
# posted by : 11:26 AM
: 11:26 AM
Hello Trudge. I am just catching up with posts and wanted to tell you that these last several about your father have really touched me.
I hope you find some peace and forgiveness for yourself. I will share something my therapist told me recently about thinking too much about the things I think I should be doing or feeling. Before long you will be "shoulding all over yourself." However you felt about your father, it just was how you felt. Don't judge yourself for it.
Peace to you.
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I hope you find some peace and forgiveness for yourself. I will share something my therapist told me recently about thinking too much about the things I think I should be doing or feeling. Before long you will be "shoulding all over yourself." However you felt about your father, it just was how you felt. Don't judge yourself for it.
Peace to you.
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